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TOOLS OF THE TRADE
Humor
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, today the hammer is used as a kind of divining rod
to locate tender body parts not far from the object you are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
Used to open cardboard cartons. It works particularly well on boxes containing convertible
tops or tonneau covers.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human
energy into crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its
course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE GRIPS:
Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE
TORCH: Used to remove rounded off bolts and free any stuck part.
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful to suddenly snatching flat metal stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and throws your work across the
room.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed
of light. Also removes fingerprints, warts and calluses.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR
JACK: Used for lowering drop spindle trucks to the ground, trapping the jack handle
firmly under the front air dam.
EIGHT FOOT LONG
2X4: Used to pry truck upward off a hydraulic jack.
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